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Healing Silks Company Supporting Articles

::ARTICLES FOR PATIENTS, CAREGIVERS AND FAMILY

::HOW TO HELP ALZHEIMER CAREGIVERS (click here to download article in pfd)

Believe me when I say that if you have not cared for a family member with Alzheimer’s Disease it is difficult to imagine the stress the caregiver is under. If you have cared for a loved one who has been ill, you will have some idea of the stress, but cannot completely understand the exhausting totality of your attention that is demanded.

I was the primary caregiver for both my mother and my grandmother at the same time. Unlike many caregivers, I did not live with my grandmother. Although she was in a nursing home, I was the one responsible for her bills, visiting and making day-to-day decisions. My mother, who had severe rheumatoid arthritis and complete mental faculties until shortly before her death, used to say, “If we put together Ma’s body and my mind we’d have a whole person.”

In this article I’m going to suggest certain ways you can help a caregiver. These suggestions come from my own personal experience as well as my knowledge as a social worker.

Both of my grandmothers had Alzheimer’s. They were beautiful strong women that we all watched deteriorate into people we didn’t know. My paternal grandmother, Grandma, was the General’s Wife. She was funny, organized and very conscious of social graces. My maternal grandmother, Ma, was a nurse. She was funny, organized and very compassionate.

My aunt had the primary responsibility of Grandma, who was in Air Force Village’s Health Care Center. I drove the three hours to visit my aunt and grandmother whenever I could. When I took on the responsibility of arranging for my maternal grandmother’s care, I realized how important and comforting my visits with my aunt were for her. I helped her, at least for a few hours, carry the burden of responsibility.

Alzheimer’s Disease has several stages. Before you become the caregiver you go through a period of surrealism. Suddenly someone very competent is doing strange things: writing checks in pencil, buying aluminum foil every time she goes to the grocery store, missing the turn to her home, getting lost, not being able to multi-task, accusing people of stealing things, writing down the time so she won’t forget, forgetting that her husband died 20 years ago, thinking I was her daughter or her sister and not her granddaughter, and the list goes on.

We all do some strange things throughout our lifetime. My mother, when she was raising a passel of kids under the age of 10 once found the coffee pot in the refrigerator and the milk on the counter where the coffee pot should be. That wasn’t Alzheimer’s. When all the strange things happen within a short period of time, then there is something to evaluate.

In the early stages

Listen. That is the primary thing. Family members haven’t entered the role of caregiver as of yet. They do feel confused. Some go into absolute denial that anything is wrong. Others just need you to listen. The person displaying symptoms can still care for themselves. Their personality is still there. But something is missing, something is just not right.

In the middle stages

The middle stage is when the caregiving begins. The person with Alzheimer’s demonstrates marked personality changes. Their mental faculties have deteriorated markedly. Reliance on the caregiver increases to a point of total dependency.

What you can do to help

Listen. To do this you have to call or visit. The caregiver often needs contact with a world that makes sense, or at least more sense than what is going on at home.

When you go to the grocery store, call and offer to pick something up.

Offer to relieve the caregiver for a few hours so s/he can get away to run errands.

Write notes or cards. They can be a tremendous support. From time to time enclose a small gift or memento that will have meaning. A photo, a book, a scarf, a souvenir of a trip you took together…anything that lets the person remember that they have an existence apart from that of caregiver.

Remind the caregiver that they need a break and you are there to provide respite care.

Make a double recipe when cooking and bring a meal over.

Give a gift certificate for a massage, manicure, movie tickets or other activity with your gift of taking the caregiver’s place for a few hours.

Form a Circle in Pink (www.CircleinPink.com ) to give support . These groups can be a lifeline for caregivers, allowing them to talk frankly with close friends about the complex feelings which swirl inside: love, grief, guilt (because NOBODY is a willing and cheerful caregiver at all times, and the desire to be free can seem as though you want the loved one to die and liberate you), and so many combinations of emotions which only add to the massive stress of just the situation itself. A group of friends who meet regularly to pray, laugh, cry and just listen together is beyond a help; it is a godsend.

The last stages

The deterioration of the individual is so great, that s/he cannot do simple bodily care needs. Diapers must be changed, the skill of walking is often forgotten, bathing and other care needs to be done by others. Usually this is done in an institution. When that is not possible, and the patient is still at home, the caregiver will benefit from all mentioned previously.

If the family is not able to hire someone to assist with care, a tremendous gift would be for a group of friends to get together a pay for a few hours of care from someone trained in this area. Then take the caregiver out to dinner, a movie, the theater or allow them simply to go to their own bed and sleep. When you are constantly afraid that the patient will hurt themselves somehow, even sleeping without worry becomes a luxury.

A gift of support and comfort

Another gift you can give to remind someone of your care and support is a Healing Silk. These beautiful silks are specially designed to gently work with your energy to assist in keeping someone balanced. The silks are soft and when wrapped around you, they are like being hugged. You can also give the gift of a silk bookmark or Intention Energizer so that your friend can carry it with them to remind her/him s/he is not alone. You may find these gifts at www.HealingSilks.com.

::VISITING SOMEONE WITH ALZHEIMER'S OR DEMENTIA (click here to download article in pfd)

As I watched both my grandmothers sink deeper and deeper into Alzheimer’s, one of the hurdles to overcome was how to talk to them. Short-term memory was in and out for a while and then just out. Often they did not know who I was. They were both as sweet as could be with me and I’d think they knew who I was. Then they said something that let me know they didn't know me.

Here are a few things I learned along the way.

First, remember they are adults with a history. Yes, as the disease progresses most of that history disappears, or they make up new history. The new history is quite an adventure to family members. Family members become distressed when their loved one says something that is “not true.” The new history is simply a way of filling in the blanks, of coping with their memory loss.

Another important thing to remember is that your loved one’s loss of memory and of their sense of self history causes our own fear to surface within us, especially if this is a close biological relative. Will this be me in 20, 30, 40 years? Some people avoid visiting because they can’t face their own uncertainties, their own grief.

Someone with dementia can’t help it that s/he can’t remember. That seems so obvious, but loved ones often experience and express frustration when they hear the wrong name or the recounting of a life they know didn’t happen.

As the disease progresses complex actions are impossible to manage. What you think is simple is actually very complex. You may remember playing a card game with your children when they were young. “Go Fish” is a simple game taking little knowledge other than numbers. For someone with progressive dementia, “Go fish” requires complex co-ordination of the eyes and the hands. It requires remembering the rules of the game.

Here are a few tips of how to visit and what to say and do:

Your loved one may not remember the last 10 years, but they will remember fragments of their childhood until the disease has progressed significantly. Talk about childhood events or things that happened in early to mid-adulthood. At each visit you will get an idea of what “time period” your loved one is living in. Note: It is important for you to be very sensitive to the receptivity of your loved ones to these memories. This is particularly true when s/he is still aware of what is happening, of what is being slowly lost. Flooding them with too many memories of happier times, when they were with friends and families, when they shared lives with those long since gone, can bring happiness. It can also cause pain and a sense of loss, of desolation, because they are still able to compare those times to their present one, and the contrast is horribly painful. Keep yourself very open to any signals of a distress that your “happy” stories may be causing.

Don’t correct a memory. This will only cause more confusion on the part of the loved one, and frustration on yours.

Do let your loved one know who you are and who s/he is. You could say something like, “Hi, I’m Bob. You’re Doris”, It’s so good to see you.” Don’t ask her who you are. That sets her up to fail and only brings frustration, fear, anger and grief, for both of you.

If religious ritual was important to your loved one, bring with you a prayer book they used when they were children or as a young adult. Don’t use the “new, revised” prayer book unless they grew up with it. Say these prayers with them. My paternal grandmother said the rosary every day of her life. When she couldn’t say much else she was repeating the “Hail Mary.”

Bring old photographs with you. Your loved one may not recognize a current photo of them. Use older photos. Often these photos will surface memories and warm feelings about their past. The photos can give a sense of grounding.

When my maternal grandmother moved from her home to assisted care, and then from assisted care to the nursing home, we always brought the portrait of my grandfather and hung it on her wall. One day she said to me, “I don’t know where I am but I know I’m supposed to be here because there is Joe Crowe watching me.” I knew the disease had progressed even more when she couldn’t remember who was in the picture. She thought it was her brother even though she had seven sisters and no brothers.

Be patient when carrying on a conversation. Your loved one may become frustrated when s/he can’t remember a word or someone’s name. Train of thought can be derailed very easily. You may feel like you’ve moved from one conversation to another in the blink of an eye. You may even learn “new” words as people with Alzheimer’s may just make up one to replace what they can’t remember.

It takes much more time for someone with Alzheimer’s to organize their thoughts. They also may take much more time to understand what you are saying. This can cause frustration for you and for him/her. Take a deep breath and remind yourself to be patient. Follow the rule you learned as a child, “Don’t interrupt.”

Speak in short sentences with simple words. Complex sentences are confusing. If you are asking for them to do a particular action, give one step at a time. They won’t remember past the first instruction and may get frustrated and angry and refuse to do anything at all.

Don’t be surprised if you hear language you never knew could come from your loved one’s mouth. Just ignore any cursing or swearing.

You may hear the same comment, the same story or be asked the same question multitudes of times within one short visit. Simply listen attentively or answer the question as if you’ve never been asked before.

Breathe deeply. Speak calmly, even when you don’t feel calm. Your frustration can agitate your loved one. Often an object with a soothing texture will help bring some tranquility to both of you. Pets that are not too excitable are wonderful for Alzheimer’s patients (and their caretakers!). Take along a scarf or shawl from Healing Silks and wrap it around your loved one. The texture and patterns, along with your loving touch, will allow him or her to feel more secure.

Accept that the body in front of you used to house a person you used to know. Now the body houses someone who is a stranger to you. It is appropriate to grieve for this loss.

Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia are difficult for you and the person who has it. When the person has passed the early stages, she forgets that she doesn’t remember, he forgets that he is losing his memory. You never do. Yes, it is sad and tragic and any other word you can put to it. You are left with the pain, sadness and loss we usually associate with death, but you are still sitting with the living person. Remember that you, too, must take care of yourself during this wrenching time. Share your grief, frustration, anger… all the emotions that come with this… with someone you trust. Exercise, meditate, pray; do whatever you need to do. Treat yourself kindly, and reach out to others going through a similar trial. Shared pain is halved, just as shared joy is doubled.

There is a wealth of information about Alzheimer’at www.alz.org , the Alzheimer’s Organization’s WEB site.

::I'VE EXPERIENCED TRAUMA IN MY LIFE. HOW CAN I GET BETTER? (click here to download article in pfd)

By Cathy Chapman, Ph.D.

Traumatic events such as a natural disaster, the death of a loved one or a physical assault, can have strong emotional consequences. In fact, strong emotional or physical responses after a frightening event are a normal part of the healing process. Your reactions to what has happened may last for days, weeks or even longer.

Below are some common after-effects of trauma and some suggestions for how you can cope with them.

Understand that different people will respond to a traumatic event in various ways, depending upon what happened and how severe it was, the amount of support the individual has, their own personality and how they normally handle stress. Other things going on in their lives will also have an effect Common reactions to trauma include a wide range of physical, mental, spiritual and emotional responses. These responses are normal and are symptoms of how deeply the individual was affected by the event. Again, these responses are normal.

Physical reactions

You may experience one or more of the following:

Fatigue or exhaustion. You may not realize it, but you are processing what has happened to you on a subconscious level. This processing takes just as much energy as strenuous exercise. In addition, if you are attempting to not think about the event, or not acknowledge the severity of the event, you are using even more energy to push your feelings into your subconscious.

Disturbed sleep. Again, you are processing what happened to you on a subconscious level. You may be having nightmares or night terrors about what happened.

Nausea. The fight or flight response to trauma has many physiological effects. All the resources of the body are sent to the extremities so that you can run away. “Non-essential” processes, such as digestion, stop. When the energy of the trauma is still active within you, digesting your food becomes difficult. Indigestion or nausea can occur.

Restlessness. Some people just can’t sit still after a trauma. Their nervous system is on alert status. They are jumpy.

Headaches and muscle soreness. Again, the fight or flight response sends blood to the muscles. Headaches and muscle soreness can come from clenching your muscles and preventing blood flow. You, also, may not be drinking enough water, causing your body to become dehydrated.

Easily startled and hyper-alert. This goes back to the fight or flight response. Your system is ready to flee if something happens. The difficulty is that the trauma is over, but the body has not returned to normal.

Mental Reactions

You may experience the following difficulties as a result of what happened to you:

Poor concentration and memory. Stress affects both. The emotions you are experiencing (or attempting to keep away) intrude upon the functioning of your brain. Physiologically, your brain is continuing to assist you in responding to the situation. Certain chemicals coursing through your body can lead to a loss of concentration and faulty memory. When you can’t concentrate, new memories do not enter conscious awareness, so short-term memory is especially affected.

Visual images of the event. You may experience images of what happened to you “popping” into your awareness.

Intrusive thoughts. Things may be going well for you and, then, a thought about the event seems to come out of nowhere.

Disorientation and confusion. These result from the inability to concentrate. You may forget where you are, where you are going, or even forget to do tasks you had previously done without thinking.

Emotional reactions

Below are most of the common emotional reactions to a traumatic event. Again, your reaction will depend upon your own personality as well as your method of handling stress.

Fear, anxiety, panic. Physiologically, a part of the brain known as the amygdala has been stimulated. The function of these small organs is to process and store as memories emotional responses, especially the above-mentioned “fight or flight”, or anxiety reaction. In addition, you may no longer feel safe. Things are not normal anymore. You can have a pervasive feeling of anxiety and even experience panic attacks.

Numbness and detachment. Many times people just “turn off” their feelings. This is a defense mechanism to assist in handling the emotional overload that has occurred.

Avoidance. This is another common coping mechanism. You will do anything you can to not think or talk about the trauma.

Obsessive thoughts. No matter how much you try, you can’t seem to stop thinking about what happened.

Depression. One of the stages of the grief cycle is depression. You feel powerless and helpless. Sometimes you don’t feel at all.

Guilt. You feel guilty because you “should” have been able to stop it, you “should” have known, or any number of shoulds. People who have the trauma of something happening to someone they care for often have survivor’s guilt. “Why did it happen to her and not to me?”

Over-sensitivity. Your nerves are on edge. Any little comment or event can result in an over-reaction by you.

Withdrawal and tearfulness. You just want to be alone. You feel like your nerves are on edge and just don’t want to be around anyone. Sometimes you feel as if you will never stop crying.

Spiritual reactions

There are just as wide a range of spiritual reactions to a trauma as emotional and mental. You may find it helpful to speak with a professional who is spiritually oriented about these issues.

Anger with God. This is a natural response. You believe that if God loved you, if God wanted to, God could have done something.

Loss of faith. This is a deeper response to what has happened. You might hold the belief that there could not possibly be a God because this happened.

Belief that you are being punished. Unfortunately, this happens often. “God is doing this to me because I ...”

Immersing yourself in religion. You believe that if you pray all the time, go to services, devotions and other activities, you can prevent something else from happening. IMPORTANT NOTE: This is not the same as seeking comfort in your faith. This reaction is obsessive and can become a barrier to real healing and to the help of others whom you shut out.

Behavioral responses to the event

These are a few of things you might find yourself doing in response to the trauma:

Avoiding reminders of the event. This can result in avoiding friends, places, activities that remind you of what happened. Sometimes you won’t do necessary tasks related in some way to the event. If someone brings up something that reminds you, either deftly change the subject, leave or go somewhere else in your mind.

Everything you do has something to do with the event. The trauma becomes the only significant thing in your life. You will avoid other activities and people so that you may focus on something related to the trauma.

Losing touch with normal routines. You may find that you don’t have food in the house, don’t pay bills, or do what were the normal rote routines of your life.

Inability to do anything but the normal routines. The day to day routines of life are handled because you don’t have to think. If something else needs to be done, you find it difficult to put in your schedule.

You don’t know where time goes. Time just seems to disappear. You may get lost in a book, television show, or not even know what you have done. You just know that time seems to have disappeared without you being present.

Tips on recovering from trauma

Pick one or more of the following to assist you in resolving your feelings and recovering from the trauma. Don’t overwhelm yourself with activities, simply choose one or two a day to assist you.

First recognize and accept that you have been through something major and life changing. You can recover from most if not all of the effects from the event.
Accept that the feelings will be difficult for a while, but they will lessen and you will eventually be able to laugh and be “normal” again.
Daily remind yourself daily that you are recovering. Let yourself experience your feelings. You may find it helpful to write out your feelings.
Avoid the overuse alcohol or drugs, even prescription drugs, to help you cope. These substances prevent your experiencing and releasing the feelings. You may say, “I don’t want to experience the feelings.” Know that you can only release them if you experience them.
If at all possible, put off making any major decisions or major life changes for about six months.
Allow yourself to confront what happened. Trying not to think of it only suppresses the feelings and lengthens recovery.
Find someone who is supportive and understanding to talk about how you feel. If you don’t want family or friends to know what you are experiencing, find a therapist.
Try to keep your normal routine and find fun things to do, e.g. movies, etc.
If you feel the desire to avoid certain places or activities, don’t. You don’t have to confront all these places at once, but let your life be normal.
Take time to rest. Recovery is exhausting. Be gentle with yourself.
Indulge yourself with a spa visit if it is within your means. Treat yourself to a small luxury of some sort. Surround yourself with textures, scents, colors, that are soothing.
Wrap yourself in a Healing Silks shawl and meditate, or cry, or pray. Our scarves and shawls can help you on this journey by surrounding you with beauty and healing design.
Do SOMETHING that will release stress and remind you that you are not tied to this trauma forever, that you can release it in time.
If you don’t usually exercise, at least go for a walk. If you do exercise, continue. Movement assists in releasing tension from the body.
If you need help or want company, ask for it. Your family and friends want to help, but need you to tell them what you need.
Find time to relax. Meditation, movies, listening to music, hobbies are ways to relax the body and mind.
Talk about your feelings as they come up. If no one is present, write a letter to yourself about them. Writing is also excellent when memories come up and you don’t know what to do with them.
Sometimes memories of other events come up. Remember that these other are not the current event. There may be some similar feelings, but they are separate. Again, writing about the events may assist you in dealing with all that comes up.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

After a month or so your reactions to the trauma should be gradually lessening. If they do not lessen, and even grow stronger, you may find yourself unable to function in relationships or at work. If people have expressed their concern about you, you may be suffering from what is called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This is something beyond the help of friends and family. Speak with a spiritual advisor and/or find a therapist who can assist you in working through the emotions of what has happened.

If you do not know where to find a therapist you may contact:

Your local United Way Information and Referral Service

Look in the yellow pages under “Mental Health,” “Psychologists,” “Social Workers”

A referral from a friend

A referral from your church, synagogue, mosque or temple

Use your WEB search engine using the key words “Post-traumatic stress disorder, therapists, your city and state”

Keep in mind

Different people have different reactions and responses to traumatic events. Your reaction may not be the same and, in fact, may be opposite, to that of someone else. That is normal. There is no one way to respond. Your strong feelings and reactions are signals that something traumatic has happened and for you to take care of yourself. These reactions, be they mental, emotional, spiritual or physical, should begin to lessen in a month or so. If they don’t, find a professional to speak with.

Cathy Chapman, Ph.D, LCSW, has been a licensed therapist for 30+ years. She is a continuing student of mind-body psychology and works with people from a spiritual and energetic model.

::HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING (click here to download article in pfd)

By Cathy Chapman, Ph.D.

Our hearts naturally go out to someone who has lost a loved one through death. We want to do something to help ease the pain, but feel inadequate to the task, knowing that no words are sufficient.

There may be nothing we can do to ease the pain of the loss. We can, however, write a note or give support in another way so that the grieving individual doesn’t feel all-alone. A small, thoughtful gift included with the card can help express your feelings.

People handle grief differently. Some people like to have people with them in a visible manner. There are others who prefer to grieve quietly. If your friend or relative is among those in the first group, you might ask if they would be open to having the company of close friends who come over occasionally to pray with and for them. Such prayer circles can be extremely comforting to those of religious faith. For those who do not have a particular faith, light circles or other group means of sharing love and support are also very effective in reducing feelings of isolation.

For those whose preference is to grieve quietly, such circles can meet apart from the bereaved, and send some token of their shared prayers and/or other shared thoughts for their friend. Individual visits can then respect the desire for more solitary grieving while still showing concern.

What to say or do can be complicated by how the person died.

When there has been a long illness, the family may be feeling relief that the long ordeal is over and their loved one is out of pain and at peace. At the same time they may feel guilt because they feel relief.

When there is a sudden death, the family will be in shock. They have not had the time to prepare themselves for their loss as does someone who loses someone after a long illness. The family may also be coping with guilt, anger, even rage over the death.

Suicide results in complicated bereavement. Imagine the rage you would feel at the one who murdered your loved one and the grief you would have at the loss. With suicide, rage and grief are focused on the same individual. There is also the guilt about, “What did I do wrong?” and, “I should have done more” and “How could I have not known?”

Loss of a child is particularly devastating. No parent expects their child to die before they do. Depending upon the circumstances, the feelings may be shock, anger, guilt, or a complex combination of all these reactions.

When you want to give support, think about what you would want under the circumstances. There will be variations depending upon the personality of the grieving, but it will give you a place to start.

Below are suggested shows of support.

Send a card. If you knew the one who has died, share your favorite story about him or her. These stories make your note more personal.

If you have a photo you believe the family will enjoy, send it to them with a note.

Make a donation to a cause relevant to the one in grief or to the deceased. Be sensitive. Don’t make a donation to an organization you know the person does not support or is against.

Many Healing Silks owners have written to say, that they have purchased Healing Silks Prayer Shawls or Scarves for bereaved friends and relatives. They have put them in the center of prayer circles, and imbued them with the love and empowerment of their prayers. When those in grief, then wrap themselves in the shawls or wear the scarves, they are instantly reminded of those who pray for them. The inherent comfort and sensory response to the silk, and the beauty of the designs, aid in the healing. www.healingsilks.com

When you visit with the grieving, share stories.

Never be afraid to talk about the one who has died to those who love him or her. It doesn’t matter how long or soon it has been since the death.

Grieving takes time. The individual will not “be over” the loss in 2 or 3 months. It usually takes a good 18 months for there to be some normalcy. One of the frequent comments I hear is, “It hasn’t been that long, but people think I should be over his death by now.”

Allow your friend or family member to talk as much as s/he wants and needs about what happened and about the loved one.

Remember what my grandmother once said, “The grief never really goes away. It just gets further away.”

If you have never lost someone to death, then you may not realize how comforting it is to have cards, notes, thoughtful gifts and stories. If you have lost someone, then you know. Do what helped you the most or what you most would have liked.

Cathy Chapman, Ph.D. LCSW has her doctorate in Mind-Body Psychology and is a Licensed Master Social Worker who has work in the area of grief for 30+ years.